Commonly, divorce attorneys counsel our clients that the more amiable and cooperative s/he is in co-parenting after divorce, the better it is for the children. There is certainly plenty of evidence from psychological studies and statistic-keepers, to substantiate the view that acrimony between parents can only hurt the children. Children who have been put in the middle of seemingly unresolvable post-divorce conflict between parents suffer scholastically, have a higher incident of illicit drug use, early sexual encounters, and other self-defeating behaviors. That does not even begin to address how these children function in their own romantic relationships as adults. The news is not good.
It is no wonder we divorce lawyers breathe a sigh of relief in those rare cases where both the divorcing parents make a good faith effort to take the high road, put the children first, and continue to co-parent in the children’s best interests.
One of my favorite divorce cases involved a couple who, when they divorced, did more than just share custody. The ex-husband bought a home around the block and kitty-corner from the ex-wife, so that the three children could go back and forth between mom and dad’s homes at will. No one needed to keep track of whether it was mom’s or dad’s parenting day. They continued to function like a family – only the parents lived in different homes.
Imagine my surprise then, when I read in a recent article published in the Style/Motherlode section of the New York Times that a child was actually stressed by the monthly family dinner her parents kept with her after the divorce. This preschooler was apparently confused by the fact that, once a month she joined her now-divorced parents for an evening that felt just like things felt before the divorce – but lasting only for those few hours.
There is a lesson here. I think that co-parenting after divorce involves more than just a commitment to be amiable. It is more complicated and nuanced. It requires the parents to determine, based on the child’s age, intellectual and emotional development, and the child’s own particular emotional make-up, what really is in the child’s best interests. Maybe a monthly dinner is a good thing for some children, especially if they have worked through their grief over the divorce and come to accept that the parents will not be re-uniting no matter how nice the Sunday night dinner might feel. Maybe it is enough for a four year old grieving the loss of an intact family to know that her parents love her, and that they continue to work together for her best interests and peace of mind.The dinner may be too much for her to comprehend or enjoy without expecting more.
It seems clear that every family is different. Every family has to find its own way.
With that in mind, I would like to extend my prayers to all the parents who lost children in Newtown, Connecticut this past week. Know that our hearts are broken for you and we keep you close in our thoughts.