One of the most rewarding cases I ever worked on involved a couple who went to great extremes to set aside their differences for the sake of their four children. The marriage had broken down after numerous acts of infidelity by both parties. Needless to say, there was disappointment, anger and resentment. Nevertheless, the divorce judgment not only provided for shared custody, but the parties agreed that the ex-husband would buy a home just around the corner from the marital home. As a result, the children were able to go back and forth between their two homes at will, with ease, thus maintaining daily contact and interaction with each parent. Everyone thrived.
Even after almost 25 years of divorce practice, it is still very painful to witness how angry spouses can become destructive parents, by allowing the emotional baggage of the marriage impair their ability to provide a sense of security and love for their children. You may be through with your spouse, but s/he will be the parent of your children for a lifetime. Anything you can do to promote a strong relationship with your ex-spouse will only help your children to feel safe and loved. So, what can you do? Here are some tips from several relationship experts:
TIPS TO REMAIN FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX — Dr. Mark Goulston
1. Cooperation versus turning every disagreement into a fight.
2. Compromise versus having to be right and win at all costs.
3. Taking responsibility for causing problems versus blaming the other person.
4. Showing humility versus self-righteousness.
5. Expressing appreciation versus never saying "Thank you."
6. Saying "I'm sorry" versus being defensive.
7. Being quick to forgive versus holding a grudge.
8. Being proactive versus passive or reactive.
9. Giving the other the benefit of the doubt versus being quick to criticize.
10. Showing a commitment to what's best for children versus being self-centered and self-serving.
10 RULES OF GOOD EX-ETIQUETTE — Dr. Jann Blackstone-Ford
1. Put the children first.
2. Ask for help when you need it.
3. No badmouthing.
4. Biological parents make the rules; bonus (step) parents uphold them.
5. Don’t be spiteful.
6. Don’t hold grudges.
7. Use empathy when problem solving.
8. Be honest and straightforward.
9. Respect each others' turf.
10. Compromise whenever possible.
REMAINING FRIENDS AFTER DIVORCE — Dr. Tina Tessina
1. Let it be. Don't keep bringing up old hurts, disappointment and wounds. Learn from them about what to do next time, and forget about getting satisfaction from this ex. If that could have happened, it would have in your marriage.
2. Think of the kids. If you have children, put their welfare first. It's harmful to them to have two wrangling parents using them for ammunition. Focus on doing what works for the kids, even if you have to swallow some pride.
3. Move on. Get some excitement going in your own life — new activities, new friends, and a new attitude. Remember that "living well is the best revenge" and see this as an opportunity to rebuild your life, the way you want it.
4. Think of the future. If something upsets you, think "Will I be upset about this in a week, six months, a year?" Getting that future perspective will calm you down and help you think clearly.
5. Separate legal matters from everything else. If you have to go to court to get your ex to live up to agreements, or make a better deal, just let it be business. Let your lawyer handle everything, and don't talk about it to the kids or your ex.
6. Treat your ex like any other friend. Don't get too personal, and don't expect too much from your previous connection. Let this be a new ballgame.
7. If you don't want to hear about your ex's dating or new love, don't ask. Wait until you have something new of your own: a new college course, new friends, etc. Keep in mind that men often jump immediately into a new relationship to try and avoid their emotions, and it usually backfires. Women usually take longer to open up to new relationships, and fare better, especially if they've taken the time to learn from past experience.
8. Keep the friendship with your ex on the appropriate level. Just be as friendly as you need to be for a shared business, your kids' school or sports events, or family functions. Just because you're being nice to each other, don't get nostalgic for the old relationship.
9. Don't let your jealousy show. If your ex has a new love, it might be hard, not only on you, but on the kids. So, you be the grownup, don't act out on your anger and hurt. To vent your emotions, use a counselor, a trusted friend (who won't tell your ex or gossip) or a minister or spiritual counselor.
10. As time passes, you may come to cherish this friendship with your ex. You two could do far better as friends than as marriage partners. But, if the unforeseen should happen, and things warm up between you, run, don't walk to a counselor, to make sure you don't repeat old mistakes.
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This is a very sensitive process. Having to undergo divorce is not only hard for the couple but also to their children. As responsible parents, even when they are already separated, they should prioritize their kids’s feelings. One can also use so-parenting-manager organizers or planners (http://4help.to/parenting) which can help in the recovery process of parents and their children.
In Michigan, parenting facilitators are sometimes used in high-conflict cases. I also think it is helpful for parents to find a form of communication which is the least confrontational, and that will vary depending on the couple. While talking face-to-face or on the phone is ideal, certainly email and text messaging information concerning the children only is a means of reducing conflict and enhancing the parents’ ability to overcome their hostile feelings for each other – for the sake of the children.