One of the most common legal disputes in family court that occurs after entry of a divorce judgment relates to a child’s extra-curricular activities. Invariably, a divorce client will return to my practice with one or both of the following common complaints: (a) the other parent has violated the divorce judgment by enrolling the child in an extra-curricular activity without consulting with the client first; and/or (b) the activity “infringes” on the client’s parenting time. The first complaint – enrollment in an activity without mutual consultation – is usually accompanied by the assertion that the wronged parent (client) does not have the money to help pay for the activity and should not be forced to do so, since s/he was not consulted in the first place.
In an intact marriage, decisions about enrollment in extra-curricular activities are generally mutual, but usually focus on the child’s interests and desires. By way of example, if a child expresses a desire to go to dance classes and the parents can afford the classes, then generally, as long as there is a parent who is available to transport the child to the dance classes, s/he will be enrolled. If the money is not available, then the child may not be enrolled. Thus, there are three issues: (1) is the child interested in the activity and does the child want to participate? (2) Is it affordable? and (3) is there a parent or some other person available to transport the child to and from the activity? If the answer to all three is “yes,” then the child is enrolled. No one complains that the time the child spends engaging in the extra-curricular activity takes away from valuable parenting time. Those of us who have raised children know that schlepping our kids to and from all kinds of childhood activities is parenting time!
It is somewhat dismaying to me that when clients return to my practice complaining about extra-curricular activities, rarely do I hear the complaint that the child does not want to attend and has been forced into the activity by the other parent. In fact, I think that I’ve heard that complaint only once in over 30 years of practice! It is my observation that parents complaining about extra-curricular enrollment rarely stop to think about what the child wants, because they are so angry over the manner in which the child was enrolled.
If the other parent failed to consult before enrolling, then certainly, there is reason for frustration. In particular, if there are financial problems paying for the activity, that is a valid complaint and must be addressed, either through post-judgment mediation, or through a court hearing of some type.
Be that as it may, I will continue to remind my client to focus on what is in the child’s best interests. If the child is genuinely passionate about running, don’t punish the child by refusing to take him to track team practice because it takes away from your parenting time. This is what parenting is all about. Parenting time is not about holding a child in your home as a captive audience, so that the child gives you all her attention. It is about encouraging and supporting a child’s interests so that he can explore the world you brought them into, discover who he is and what he likes to do, just as you would have done if the marriage was intact. Make the most of your parenting time by putting the child first, and by supporting the activities your child wants to participate in. Drive her there, stay and watch, and then, over dinner with your child, encourage her to talk about the experience, with you a captive audience to the excitement!
Work out the unpleasant legal problems behind the scenes and without inflicting the conflict on your son or daughter.
