A divorce is the dissolution of a legal relationship and, perhaps equally as important, the breaking of emotional bonds between the spouses. If you read my November 15, 2015 blog on do-it-yourself divorces, then you know there are precious few divorces that should go forward without the benefit of an attorney representing your interests. It strikes me as ironic that in order to dissolve the marriage and emotionally detach from your spouse, you must first form a new legal relationship, one that is often informed by emotion – and that is the relationship with your divorce attorney.
I am always surprised when a potential client (PC) contacts me by either email or phone and decides to retain me sight unseen. While I am certainly happy for the business, I will generally suggest that the PC schedule an office visit to interview with me in detail. This is as much for the PC’s benefit as my own.
Divorce is intense. It takes months to complete. You will be spending a great deal of time with your attorney. How that works will depend to a great degree on the “chemistry” between you and your attorney. No, I am not referring to physical attraction. But, I am referring to a number of elements that are, in my view, essential to an effective attorney-client relationship. In no particular order, I believe that a successful relationship between you and your divorce attorney requires all the following:
• Safety. You must feel safe when communicating with your attorney. You must feel certain that your attorney will not judge you when you share deeply personal events and feelings about your marriage. It is essential to share any information that your lawyer asks for as well as any information you think may be important to your divorce, without fear of judgment. What you share with your attorney should be received by him/her as nothing more than information intended to assist in effective legal representation. It is not the attorney’s place to judge you and if you feel judged, you are in the wrong law office.
• Confidence. It is essential that you feel confidence in your attorney’s ability to effectively advise you and guide you through your divorce. If you feel the need to instruct your lawyer on how to practice law, then something is seriously amiss. After a lengthy career in practicing law, I am always shocked that the occasional potential client will come into my office and commence informing me as to what the law allows and how to go about achieving it. Because I tend to be quite blunt, I generally will point out to the PC that (a) I am not willing to work with a client who believes s/he knows more than I do about how to practice law; and (b) if the PC knows divorce law so well, perhaps they should consider saving themselves money and just represent themselves. I call this a reality check, and it generally works. However, I believe it is better to show a PC the door than have a client who underestimates and lacks respect for my abilities. I suspect the vast majority of my colleagues will agree.
• Like-Mindedness. If you are hoping for a divorce based on amiability, mediation and the attorney you are interviewing recommends “going for the jugular” you should probably seek out a different attorney. The opposite is equally true. If you are leaving a marriage where your spouse is a bully, hiding income and assets, and threatening to leave you bleeding (figuratively or literally), then you know you will need an aggressive advocate. If the attorney you are interviewing tells you s/he doesn’t like going to court, has not tried a case in over ten years, and is assuming both sides will share information freely and go to early mediation, that is a red flag for you as well. The reality is that some attorneys have only one script. Sometimes it is grounded in personal philosophy on how to handle divorces, and sometimes it is based on the attorney’s personality. Ideally, your attorney will have the ability to change hats as necessary to meet all your needs throughout the divorce. It is appropriate to inquire whether your attorney likes early mediation, whether s/he has tried cases and how many, what your attorney will do if the other side stonewalls disclosure of assets and income, etc. Make sure that the attorney and you have a similar mindset. If not, keep interviewing.
• Mutual Respect. I often tell my potential clients that I consider working with a client to be a true partnership. I will rely on my clients for information and cooperation. I assure my clients that I will listen to their concerns respectfully and provide honest and thorough analysis. I remind my clients that it is my job to provide options with a thorough explanation of the benefits and downsides/risks of each option, but that at the end of the day, it is the client who must make the decisions. A client must be willing to partner with me in order for me to be effective, and it is essential that each of us knows when it is time to let the other lead the dance. When it comes to legal and procedural analysis, I must be in the lead; when it comes to deciding how much money to spend on an issue, which option to adopt to resolve an issue, etc., then the client is in the lead. This requires mutual respect – essential to the attorney client relationship.
• Bonus Points – While your attorney is not your friend, it certainly helps the relationship if you and your attorney enjoy each other’s company. Is it essential? Probably not, but from a lawyer’s point of view, the best days are the ones where I receive calls or visits from clients who I really like and who I feel like me as well. It’s icing on what should, with all the other elements discussed here in place, be a well-baked cake.
