Although I am not a psychologist, I am often asked by my clients both when and how to tell the children that a divorce is planned, or even in the works. I do recommend that clients – especially those whose children are already in treatment – follow the specific recommendations of the therapist. For the rest, I advise that the parents, at least momentarily, set aside whatever differences may exist between them and together inform the children about the divorce. If parents cannot work together to communicate about the coming changes in the lives of the children, there is little hope that the children can emerge intact.
Psychologists caution that children are going to be most concerned about how the divorce is going to impact their day-to-day lives. Where will they be living? Where will they go to school? Will they still be able to have the friends they play with now? So, it is not enough to simply tell the children and leave them to their own imaginings. Questions should be encouraged, but if the children are unable to express those questions, parents should be prepared to provide answers to the best of their ability to the most obvious concerns:
(a) If there is going to be a move, when is it likely to occur?
(b) Will there be a new school?
(c) Which parent will the children live with?
(d) Will the children still be able to participate in their after-school activities?
Of course, it is very possible that there will not be a lot of answers if the divorce is in the early stages. However, all of these subjects should be discussed and the discussion should be ongoing. As decisions are made and information becomes available, the children should be told, and ideally with both parents present. Ongoing conversation will at least reassure the children they are not being left out of the process and will help normalize the divorce for them.
I remind my clients that they have expressed to me how scary the divorce process is, and that they have no experience with lawyers, or the court system. I remind them how much more so for their children, who have absolutely no control over what is happening.
Most importantly, children need to be reassured that they are still loved by both parents and will still have a relationship with both parents. I believe that one of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child in divorce is doing all s/he can to encourage and support a child’s relationship with the other parent. Children who are put in the position of choosing, or of defending/protecting a parent are children who will not emerge from the process whole and intact.
Psychologist encourage parents to be mindful of the following points when telling children a divorce is going to take place:
(a) Choose the right time (just before a child goes to bed or off to school would be inappropriate. Children will need time to absorb the information);
(b) Consult with each other and have a plan you both agree with on how to inform the children, and then stick to that plan;
(c) Provide only the information necessary but avoid burdening the children with explanations about why you will no longer be living together. Avoid comments to the children that suggest one parent blames the other. Children need to trust and rely on both of you;
(d) On the other hand, reassure the children that the divorce is not their fault.
One last thought: based on what my clients have reported to me over the years I have come to believe that many children already intuit before they are told that there will be a divorce. It is interesting how many parents come back and tell me I was correct. The children may feel many things, but rarely are they surprised. I think the lesson there is to tell them sooner rather than later, so that they also have time to prepare emotionally for the coming changes.