Current statistics tell us that one out of every three women in an intimate relationship is being abused. As a domestic relations/family law attorney, I have learned that domestic violence thrives when we are silent. Sadly, in my experience, the silence is deafening. I want to talk to you about the silence.
Victims of domestic violence are silent because they are fearful of retribution from the abuser and just want to get out. Victims are also silent because they feel shame; the abuser has often had years of pounding it into her head that she is abused because of who she is, not because of who – and what – he is. In other words, there must be something wrong with her because otherwise he would not be beating her. Years of living with that message will have the desired effect and will so beat down a victim emotionally that she believes she deserves what she gets. That is a powerful deterrent to speaking out and seeking help. But, when a victim seeks a personal protection order from the courts or a divorce or other legal assistance to escape the violence, she is no longer a victim. She is a survivor!
Family law attorneys are silent when we fail to screen our clients (and especially our female clients) for domestic violence. Screening is more than simply asking a new client “has he ever hit you?” Many attorneys simply don’t ask at all, but even those that do often fail to understand the dynamics of fear and shame that silence the survivor. Domestic violence survivors often end up in offices with judgmental and non-empathetic attorneys who unwittingly reinforce the message that the abuse is her fault. Domestic relations attorneys need to understand that a survivor will not – cannot – disclose unless she is made to feel safe, and safety means confidence that she will not be judged for having stayed in an abusive relationship. There must be an atmosphere of trust and it is the responsibility of the attorney to create that atmosphere.
There are a host of resources available to assist attorneys in screening for and taking legal action to protect clients who are survivors of domestic violence. In Michigan, for instance, there is a Domestic Violence Screening Protocol available at the State Court Administrator Office’s (SCAO) website. It includes a helpful questionnaire that, while designed for family law mediators, can be readily adapted for use in private family law practice. www.domesticabuseproject.com contains informative articles about the dynamics of domestic violence, and can assist in developing an understanding of why a victim stays in a violent relationship and how to help her escape. www.hruth.org provides detailed information as well. These are just a few of the resources available to attorneys who wish to self-educate.
The family courts are silent when, faced with allegations of domestic violence that are not supported by objective evidence (police reports, emergency room records, or witnesses, etc.), state that it is a “he said she said” situation and so refuse to grant judicial relief sought to protect the survivor. The very definition of being a judge is discerning who is telling the truth and who is not, and judges do it every day with nothing more before them than the demeanor of witnesses and an extensive experience in ferreting out the truth! There is no excuse for a family law judge to turn a silent ear to a domestic violence survivor’s request for an order to secure her safety.
The family law bar needs to step up and offer more and better training so that domestic relations attorneys have the opportunity to learn from experts and to develop an understanding of the dynamics underlying abusive relationships. The Family Law Section of the State Bar of Michigan must respond to the need for offering educational forums to domestic relations attorneys and judges so that the silence can be broken and we can empower survivors of violence to leave abusive relationships with their heads held high. We should settle for nothing less.